Saying Goodbye

On March 16, 2009, I left MD Anderson Cancer Center for what I hoped would not be the last time. Sadly I was wrong. When I left that day I told my father goodbye, for what I hoped would not be the last time. Sadly I was wrong. I told him I loved him, and that for as long as he wanted to stick around, we would have him. I hoped that would be for awhile longer. Sadly I was wrong. I told him I would see him again in a couple days. Sadly I was wrong.

Less than 24 hours after I left my father's hospital room, he passed away. When I think about my father now - I try to remember the good times, the laughter, the jokes, the wisdom, the support, the love - but all I can think about is how he suffered with the cancer and how he looked when I left him on March 16.

On March 21, we memorialized my father. I made the decision that I would publicly say goodbye to my father by speaking. These are roughly the words I said:

"For those of you that do not know - I am Robin. Larry's 3rd daughter.

His first - Jacquelyn - he met for the first time Tuesday afternoon. His second, Shannon, is sitting right here in the first row, next to where I was sitting. And I am the 3rd, the one they so lovingly refer to as the baby, Robin Douda.

Douda. As you can tell - that's not quite the same as Dullack. That's something I have had to really come to terms with over the last 6 months. When I first started asking my friends to put dad on prayer lists, they would come to me a little later and ask "Robin, what's your father's name? We've just been saying Robin's Dad, but it would be nice to have a name." My response, of course, was Larry Dullack. They would get a bit of a quizzical look on their face and I would say, "Yes, he's my stepfather. Don't tell him though - I am not sure he knows."

And I really don't think he did know. I tried, as a child, to remind him - often. And he just let me. It didn't really take though - and I am glad. Because as I grew older, I realized I wanted and needed a father - and he was still there waiting for me to accept the fact that he was - a fact that he accepted the day he married my mother.

I am sorry I really can't look at all you right now - this is not the easiest thing I have ever done. I could actually, probably, really use a shot of tequila right now. Carrie???

Oh - Mom's gonna be mad now - I brought up alcohol. That's OK - she has every right to be mad. I'm mad. But one day, that will subside and we will relish in all of the things we have to be thankful for:

Right now I am thankful for all of you here. I look and see my friends from Austin, and my brother's friends from Dallas, Church and family friends. There are no words to express how much it means to me, and us, that all of you are here to celebrate the life of my father and support each of us.

I am thankful that Larry chose us to be his Second Family.

I am thankful that I have not passed out in the minutes I have been up here, that's huge.

I am thankful for my next meal - Dad always sure was.

I am thankful I was able to work a couple jokes into this thing - I don't think Dad would be too pleased if we weren't giggling, because he so loved to laugh. So if there is something that is funny today, please laugh, he would like that.

I am thankful for the friends and family I still have on this Earth. Especially my mother - I know she is not too thrilled with this fact right now - but she has so much life to live and love to give. And I can't imagine doing this without her - because I am, as you will recall, the baby.

Thank you all again."

Why I am doing this as a 2nd entry into this Blog I started? I think it is so that I can get back to being the person that I was, AM. I am hoping that this will provide me a certain level of therapy so that I can get past the man I saw in the hospital bed - and get back to remembering the man I knew as my father. I am hoping this to be my one and only Debbie Downer entry - and really do look forward to being funny/quirky/randomly mean/ whathaveyou again.

Thanks for listening :)